I still love you.

Have you ever realized you spend WAY too many of your thoughts on a person who doesn’t even realize you still are on this Earth?  I’m sure you just shook your head yes and in the off-chance you didn’t, then screw you.  Not literally of course, but figuratively.  Anyway. Recently I have realized I very much spend way too much time dwelling on my perfect little Disney love-story, with my perfect Mr. Prince Charming.  However, I have lived long enough (contrary to some’s beliefs) to know that’s not how it works.  I know I won’t have the perfect life and all that ride off into the sunset while a rainbow unveils itself over-head happily-ever-after bull; but I do want at least a happy and fulfilled life and an ending scene where I am walking hand-in-hand with my prince, who possibly plays soccer, or has a lovely southern draw; but either way I will walk hand-in-hand with him and I will feel just peachy because I know he loves me and I love him.

But what is wrong with my dream? Love.  I’ve never been in love and honestly, I really only think I’ve known, maybe, 2 people in my age bracket who have actually loved their partner.  So how am I suppose to find this true love?  Or just romantic love in general?  Will I learn it from a book?  Can I learn it from a book is the better question I think…  I mean I’ve read quite my share of romance novels to know that butterfly-gooey- feeling is love; but the one person I feel I actually felt that for, literally took my heart from my chest, slowly hacked at it with a stick he found on the ground until it was in parts and then decided to let his dogs chew at it before he decided to let me have half of it back.  So I guess my real problem is how I look at love. 

Let me be 100% straight with you: I’m not exactly sure I believe in “love.”  *Gasp!* A young woman who doesn’t believe in love?! Yeah well pick up your jaw.  I’m going to be 20 in 66 days and I have never even come close to being kissed.  Never have even come close to the situation where a guy would want to kiss me!  And I don’t necessarily think I’m Victoria’s Secret material, but damn, I’m not bag-over-the-head either.  I’ve had countless guy friends tell me I’d be the perfect girlfriend; I’m chill, play video games, sarcastic, fun, I listen, not a bad behind, but oh no! Heaven forbid me be the girl for any of them.  Now granted, there were only 3 out of all those guys who actually led me on a wild love hunt, but the rest felt I was the sexy sister.  What the hell is a sexy sister?  Isn’t that considered incest?  Gross.  But anyway….

Those 3 previously mentioned guys are as follows.  (names changed for obvious reasons)  Greg.  Tony.  Mike.  So Greg I had known for a looooong time and we were close but he didn’t live where I did and this led to that and he claimed he couldn’t let me like him because it wasn’t good for me, blah blah blah.  But turns out, as a couple of months back, he walks a line that isn’t quite as straight as it was back then… So! Then comes Tony.  I had known Tony for basically all my life and we were best friends during jr high, but then came sophomore year of high school.  So we had been talking as more than friends and I knew he was shy (and even though it went against my old-school nature) I ask him out.  Yeah well big surprise, he says no.  That one hurt.  That one hurt real good.  But his story has more to come later… After Tony came Mike.  Mike I had only known for a couple years and he hurt me bad too; however, over time I have realized he’s changed so much I don’t even know where I was coming from just 3 short years ago.

So Tony.  Gah tony.  If you have yet to figure this out, Tony holds 80% of that first statement up there back at the beginning.  [The other 20% is dedicated to someone who really doesn't deserve it because I (stupidly might I add) got sucked back into him when I realized how long it took him to get over me. All the while he had led me to believe he was over me way before I even tried to get over him]  But anyway; Tony.  So yeah.  I just can’t seem to fully disconnect from him.  Maybe it’s because he has told me, in the past, that he really really regrets not saying yes to me all that time ago.  Yeah well no shit.  I regret you saying no too.  So I, in an attempt to stay true to myself, (entirely different story, too long to add here) I told him that I wasn’t going to give him a hard time about him not maning up anymore.  I wasn’t going to give him a hard time (even though I am very sarcastic in nature) anymore because I didn’t want to do that to him.  Well that is where I messed up.  By trying to prove to myself I didn’t still care for him as more than a friend, I entirely overlooked the fact I was doing it to make it easier on him.  WTF right?  Right.  Yeah well super long story shortened, I have now let him move on by telling him I only think of him as a friend and I think I’ve made the biggest regret thus far in my 20 years.  Ironic huh?  Hah.  So here I am now just daydreaming about the endless possibilities of our “perfect” relationship while he’s off dating this cute girl who I think is perfect for him.  BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.  And the really messed up part is I don’t even think we’d work out in the end.  Like if he wanted to be with me and I said yeah I’ll be with you, I don’t know if we’d make it a long time… I mean in all honesty, I think I just tell myself that to make it easier, but still; I just can’t get what I think we would be out of my head; and that’s half the problem.  Other than the subtle hints he may kinda still have non-friend feelings for me, I am afraid I have put relationships (especially this one) too high on the amazingness meter.  So I’ve kinda worked myself into a suck situation. 

Whatever.  And now, thanks to my 20 years of 100% squeaky clean celibacy (not entirely chosen) I am asking myself all those stupid questions.  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I too bitchy?  Is my sarcasm too much?  Am I not the perfect size?  Is my smile to ugly?  Do I really repulse every guy on planet Earth so damn much that I haven’t even appealed to one my entire life to even want to try and kiss me?!  That last one is the one that dwells in my mind every single time I see a couple together.  Every.  Single.  Time.  It’s quite the downer.  And I’m already a realist, so this makes everything way harder.  And the worst part isn’t even that entirely! It’s all the utterly ridiculousness that my friends (or others) let utter out of their mouths:

• I wish I could go back to never been kissed days.
• Guys just don’t have te courage to talk to a girl who is so independent.
• It’s fun being single. I wish I was.
• And my favorite: It’ll happen for you, just give it time.

Honestly. Screw time.  [I wanted to use a four-letter F word but chose not to btw] I hate that I have never been kissed.  I hate that I have become so afraid of intimacy it is now another wall I’ve put up to keep people out.  I hate the people who tell me single life is better, because if it’s just so damn dandy then they wouldn’t be in a relationship.  I hate that stupid shit that girls will spew to their friends on why a guy doesn’t want to be with them.  It is, in fact, this easy: If he says he doesn’t like you, he doesn’t.  If he doesn’t call (or text) it’s because he doesn’t want to.  It’s not that hard.  But oh no! ‘You’ve never been in a relationship so you wouldn’t know what he’s thinking when he doesn’t call!!’ Yeah well you’ve only had seriously screwed up relationships and I’m pretty damn positive you’re not him so you really have no idea.  I believe that whole little speal in that move, He’s just not that into you.  Like honestly, if a guy does not want to talk to me, suuckks (lol) it’s not the end of the damn world like it seems to be to other people.  If I  can feel that way, so can guys.  I feel that might be some of the problem.  You know, the “alpha male” trys to seduce his female and then the female just walks up and says she likes him; not exactly how the book was written.  But regardless, I’m not going to change even if that is the problem. 

So to sum up my crazy-long random rant, (I really have no doubt in this next statement): I really think I am meant to be single forever.  And you know, as much as it is my worse fear, I am slowly getting use to the idea.  Now tell me who’s the mental patient, eh? Hah.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m too obnoxious, or that guys really think I’m too forward, or that I won’t play any stupid games, but I am starting to not even care.  Yeah I would like to know how it is to be loved, but I guess I’ll have to love my independence and get use to it since that’s what I’m expecting my future to hold. 

[I know that ending was unfinished and rather bleak, but I wanted you to understand the sense that washes over me when I am asked 'If I've found anyone yet?!']

Die Liebe. Amour. Szeretet. Love.

After reading the Twilight saga (which I just barely did the first week of July) I have partially grouped myself with those girls (and women) who; ‘Edward Cullen has ruined men fo them.’  Now I’m not walking around writing quotes on my arms nor am I sporting Twilight wardrobe essentials (you know, those girls with Cullen crest necklaces, the shirts that say teams and the like).  However, I do feel much more in touch with my girly, matrimonial side; you know the perfect man, flawless wedding, happily ever after and those sort of things.  All of which are not normal thoughts that constantly flood my day dreams, as they do now.

[Now don't judge me for what I'm about to say ]

But why such the impact?  After reading a 3-part fanfiction, I started to feel my romantic side start to protrude though my rough, sarcastic exterior.  A simple story rundown; 2 characters (named Bella and Edward) who fall in love and just know they are meant to be together forever.  As with any truly good romance I read, I tend to let my romantic mind wander more than normal.  Granted with this story my “lovely” side is coming on a little stronger than normal.  Why?  Is it because I’m almost 20 and have never had my first love, or even my first kiss?  Is it because I’m far too bored this summer and have too much time to daydream?  Or is it because I’m secretly a closet hopeless romantic?  Personally I think it’s an uneven combination of both.  Yes I am not busy enough to say the least; resulting in too much free time.  Is the lack of romance in my life finally taking its toll? Of course it is.  I can’t help but think my “biological clock” is just ticking away.  And finally, the closet hopeless romantic theory: the main culprit.

I do believe in love at first sight.  I do believe everyone has at least one soul mate in this unbelievably gigantic world.  I do think there is a prince charming awaiting his perfect entrance into my life.  But it’s terribly and painfully hard to be a hopeless romantic when romance has never even attempted an entrance into my life; and no I am not exaggerating.  Of course, anytime I bring this up I am directly told “you’re still so young… you have your whole life ahead of you… Yadda Yadda Yadda.”  If I had it my way I’d live back at the beginning of the 20th century where men courted their one-and-only dream girl.  Where men were gentlemen and they behaved as so.

For as independent as I am (mainly because I’ve never had anyone to depend on in the knight-in-shining armor sense) my dream life would have me meeting my soul mate in high school (or sooner) and growing older with them.  Then as time passed us by he’d eventually propose and after a proper engagement we’d be wed as one in an utterly breath-taking ceremony.  Possibly some various shades of pink for the color scheme and a classic cut dress, something flattering of course.  Basically I want my life to be slightly like a Jane Austen novel, with a happy ending and a Mr. Darcy. 

“Some day my prince will come…” and hopefully he comes sooner rather than later.  Oh but to be Snow White, Aurora or Cinderella with their happily ever afters.