About Time.

I want you. You want her. You’re with her. The End.

Why I hate being Female.

Not in any specific order…

1. Having to wear bras
2. Periods.
3. More strippers vs Chippendale dancers
4. Equal rights
5. The fact I’ve been called gay since I play video games
6. Wishing my hair was curly, straight, wavy, etc. at any given moment… When it’s doing the EXACT opposite
7. Jeans that fit my butt, but are 6 inches too long
8. Specialty undergarments
9. Shaving my legs
10. Giving birth; I don’t hate that now but I’m sure I will one day
11. Eyebrows.
12. Flirting
13. Can’t pee standing up; without peeing on myself
14. Girls are labeled Sluts and guys are given fist-bumps
15. Jailbait = Cougars
16. “Bikini Bods”
17. I will probably age gross while my husband will age attractive
18. “You’re really going to eat that double cheeseburger?” “Obviously, that’s why I f***ing ordered it.”
19. Expected to be attractive while working out
20. Making sandwiches.

Now here is why I love being female…. Again no order…

1. The color pink
2. My backside.
3. Title 9
4. Chivalry… What is left of it.
5. accessories
6. Getting my hair done
7. Ability to bear a child
8. Makeup
9. Open music selection without judgement
10. Never have to worry about getting attacked in the bathroom… Going with a friend lol
11. Blame everything on PMS; at least once a month
12. Bows
13. My leopard print heels
14. Perfumes
15. I’ll live, on average, longer than a male counterpart
16. Paul Walker
17. Fingernail Polish
18. Comfy sweaters
19. COD
20. Getting lost in bear hugs

So basically that is what I (and a friend) decided on.  I didn’t touch on Breast Cancer and other topics like that because (knock on wood) have not experienced them, nor plan to.

You be the judge; I already have.

Society brainwashes us from the time that we are born; girls in pink boys in blue.

Girls do not play rugged sports, boys do; girls clean, have kids, while men work. 

This is ridiculous. 

Look at how “mommies and daddies” teach their sons when they are little that girls go first; however, girls are never told that, so they grow up thinking that that is how everything should be. 

This all creates a surplus amount of problems. 

Like then the girls wait for the perfect gentlemen, and we all know he doesn’t genuinely exist, because no one is “perfect.” 

That makes girls who grow up wanting to open the door for someone else to be nice, question themselves and how they are seen; just adding on to the rest of the pressure they will feel through their adolescent years. 

And in all honesty the same goes for a man, if he wants to stay single, let him. 

Take for example the books children are read when little or the shows they watch. 

Every damn Disney fairytale story deals with the girl being so fragile and weak and the male must swoop in and save her; all but maybe Mulan, and the occasional random one.

So then, from the get go, girls are being pushed into one way of thinking; then it is harder for the girl to push through and be independent without every single fucking person in the world questioning why she won’t date, or why she doesn’t want a man. “Doesn’t she want to be happy when she gets older?” “Doesn’t she want children, a family?” Blah blah blah. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. 

Not only does this do that to the females but think of the boys; the ones who don’t want to be all macho and save the day, maybe they want to write or sing or act.

Maybe they want to be saved. 

But nay, men can’t do any of those things.

Heaven forbid them want to act on stage, wear makeup or sing to the wizard of oz; then at that same point at the age they hit when society is most critical, they are labeled gay or much worse. 

And it doesn’t end there. Oh no! It couldn’t end there!

So then the media knows it can play on the whims of these young adolescent minds (15-30).

With these movies and books and various stories about love and heroism that is put up

even when the person is finally okay with who they are something has to happen to knock them on their societal ass.

Like they go see a movie and think ‘Why the hell can’t I fall in love?’

Or why the hell is it because he has aids and is male and sings he’s automatically gay.

Why is it that because a black male is with a white girl it’s because of her daddy’s money, or vice versa for that matter.

All because by the time you’re old enough to realize what you’ve been brainwashed into, it’s far too late to undo the hardwiring that has already been done.

It’s just like you can’t teach an old dog a new trick; you can try and try and try, and yes the dog may learn the trick and go through the motions and seem like he’s got it down, but in that moment of vulnerability he will always revert to what he was taught first.

His instincts. 

 Take example of that to people who go feral. 

They revert to basically an animal; they know nothing of society or the bounds it has on any issue in the mind. 

They only know what they have taught them self, or what the land has taught them, or even if they have been following God or another religious figure; and still then it’s a touchy question.

People always revert to their natural born instinct; if you’re always taught blue is red and red is blue, then you hit kindergarten; are you going to believe your parents or the teacher, this person you just met?

You’ll go with your first instinct, what was first taught to you.

Hence fairytales fuck up kid’s lives; and everyone else’s.

The end.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Voltaire is responsible for my title quote.

 

Anyone desperate enough for suicide…should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.    - Richard Bach

 

War against a foreign country only happens when the moneyed classes think they are going to profit from it.

- George Orwell

 

 

I would like to be able to admire a man’s opinions as I would his dog – without being expected to take it home with me.

- Frank A. Clark

 

When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.

- Stephen F. Roberts

 

If you have to think about whether you love someone or not then the answer is no. When you love someone you just know. 

- Janice Markowitz

 

When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard,” I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?

- Sydney J. Harris

 

My father was often angry when I was most like him.

- Lillian Hellman

 

You know I found that title quote at the end of looking for all my quotes I wanted to include, and it kinda caught my brain in a twist.  You know a witty saying may not prove anything, but it sure makes you think.

That is all. =D

I still love you.

Have you ever realized you spend WAY too many of your thoughts on a person who doesn’t even realize you still are on this Earth?  I’m sure you just shook your head yes and in the off-chance you didn’t, then screw you.  Not literally of course, but figuratively.  Anyway. Recently I have realized I very much spend way too much time dwelling on my perfect little Disney love-story, with my perfect Mr. Prince Charming.  However, I have lived long enough (contrary to some’s beliefs) to know that’s not how it works.  I know I won’t have the perfect life and all that ride off into the sunset while a rainbow unveils itself over-head happily-ever-after bull; but I do want at least a happy and fulfilled life and an ending scene where I am walking hand-in-hand with my prince, who possibly plays soccer, or has a lovely southern draw; but either way I will walk hand-in-hand with him and I will feel just peachy because I know he loves me and I love him.

But what is wrong with my dream? Love.  I’ve never been in love and honestly, I really only think I’ve known, maybe, 2 people in my age bracket who have actually loved their partner.  So how am I suppose to find this true love?  Or just romantic love in general?  Will I learn it from a book?  Can I learn it from a book is the better question I think…  I mean I’ve read quite my share of romance novels to know that butterfly-gooey- feeling is love; but the one person I feel I actually felt that for, literally took my heart from my chest, slowly hacked at it with a stick he found on the ground until it was in parts and then decided to let his dogs chew at it before he decided to let me have half of it back.  So I guess my real problem is how I look at love. 

Let me be 100% straight with you: I’m not exactly sure I believe in “love.”  *Gasp!* A young woman who doesn’t believe in love?! Yeah well pick up your jaw.  I’m going to be 20 in 66 days and I have never even come close to being kissed.  Never have even come close to the situation where a guy would want to kiss me!  And I don’t necessarily think I’m Victoria’s Secret material, but damn, I’m not bag-over-the-head either.  I’ve had countless guy friends tell me I’d be the perfect girlfriend; I’m chill, play video games, sarcastic, fun, I listen, not a bad behind, but oh no! Heaven forbid me be the girl for any of them.  Now granted, there were only 3 out of all those guys who actually led me on a wild love hunt, but the rest felt I was the sexy sister.  What the hell is a sexy sister?  Isn’t that considered incest?  Gross.  But anyway….

Those 3 previously mentioned guys are as follows.  (names changed for obvious reasons)  Greg.  Tony.  Mike.  So Greg I had known for a looooong time and we were close but he didn’t live where I did and this led to that and he claimed he couldn’t let me like him because it wasn’t good for me, blah blah blah.  But turns out, as a couple of months back, he walks a line that isn’t quite as straight as it was back then… So! Then comes Tony.  I had known Tony for basically all my life and we were best friends during jr high, but then came sophomore year of high school.  So we had been talking as more than friends and I knew he was shy (and even though it went against my old-school nature) I ask him out.  Yeah well big surprise, he says no.  That one hurt.  That one hurt real good.  But his story has more to come later… After Tony came Mike.  Mike I had only known for a couple years and he hurt me bad too; however, over time I have realized he’s changed so much I don’t even know where I was coming from just 3 short years ago.

So Tony.  Gah tony.  If you have yet to figure this out, Tony holds 80% of that first statement up there back at the beginning.  [The other 20% is dedicated to someone who really doesn't deserve it because I (stupidly might I add) got sucked back into him when I realized how long it took him to get over me. All the while he had led me to believe he was over me way before I even tried to get over him]  But anyway; Tony.  So yeah.  I just can’t seem to fully disconnect from him.  Maybe it’s because he has told me, in the past, that he really really regrets not saying yes to me all that time ago.  Yeah well no shit.  I regret you saying no too.  So I, in an attempt to stay true to myself, (entirely different story, too long to add here) I told him that I wasn’t going to give him a hard time about him not maning up anymore.  I wasn’t going to give him a hard time (even though I am very sarcastic in nature) anymore because I didn’t want to do that to him.  Well that is where I messed up.  By trying to prove to myself I didn’t still care for him as more than a friend, I entirely overlooked the fact I was doing it to make it easier on him.  WTF right?  Right.  Yeah well super long story shortened, I have now let him move on by telling him I only think of him as a friend and I think I’ve made the biggest regret thus far in my 20 years.  Ironic huh?  Hah.  So here I am now just daydreaming about the endless possibilities of our “perfect” relationship while he’s off dating this cute girl who I think is perfect for him.  BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.  And the really messed up part is I don’t even think we’d work out in the end.  Like if he wanted to be with me and I said yeah I’ll be with you, I don’t know if we’d make it a long time… I mean in all honesty, I think I just tell myself that to make it easier, but still; I just can’t get what I think we would be out of my head; and that’s half the problem.  Other than the subtle hints he may kinda still have non-friend feelings for me, I am afraid I have put relationships (especially this one) too high on the amazingness meter.  So I’ve kinda worked myself into a suck situation. 

Whatever.  And now, thanks to my 20 years of 100% squeaky clean celibacy (not entirely chosen) I am asking myself all those stupid questions.  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I too bitchy?  Is my sarcasm too much?  Am I not the perfect size?  Is my smile to ugly?  Do I really repulse every guy on planet Earth so damn much that I haven’t even appealed to one my entire life to even want to try and kiss me?!  That last one is the one that dwells in my mind every single time I see a couple together.  Every.  Single.  Time.  It’s quite the downer.  And I’m already a realist, so this makes everything way harder.  And the worst part isn’t even that entirely! It’s all the utterly ridiculousness that my friends (or others) let utter out of their mouths:

• I wish I could go back to never been kissed days.
• Guys just don’t have te courage to talk to a girl who is so independent.
• It’s fun being single. I wish I was.
• And my favorite: It’ll happen for you, just give it time.

Honestly. Screw time.  [I wanted to use a four-letter F word but chose not to btw] I hate that I have never been kissed.  I hate that I have become so afraid of intimacy it is now another wall I’ve put up to keep people out.  I hate the people who tell me single life is better, because if it’s just so damn dandy then they wouldn’t be in a relationship.  I hate that stupid shit that girls will spew to their friends on why a guy doesn’t want to be with them.  It is, in fact, this easy: If he says he doesn’t like you, he doesn’t.  If he doesn’t call (or text) it’s because he doesn’t want to.  It’s not that hard.  But oh no! ‘You’ve never been in a relationship so you wouldn’t know what he’s thinking when he doesn’t call!!’ Yeah well you’ve only had seriously screwed up relationships and I’m pretty damn positive you’re not him so you really have no idea.  I believe that whole little speal in that move, He’s just not that into you.  Like honestly, if a guy does not want to talk to me, suuckks (lol) it’s not the end of the damn world like it seems to be to other people.  If I  can feel that way, so can guys.  I feel that might be some of the problem.  You know, the “alpha male” trys to seduce his female and then the female just walks up and says she likes him; not exactly how the book was written.  But regardless, I’m not going to change even if that is the problem. 

So to sum up my crazy-long random rant, (I really have no doubt in this next statement): I really think I am meant to be single forever.  And you know, as much as it is my worse fear, I am slowly getting use to the idea.  Now tell me who’s the mental patient, eh? Hah.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m too obnoxious, or that guys really think I’m too forward, or that I won’t play any stupid games, but I am starting to not even care.  Yeah I would like to know how it is to be loved, but I guess I’ll have to love my independence and get use to it since that’s what I’m expecting my future to hold. 

[I know that ending was unfinished and rather bleak, but I wanted you to understand the sense that washes over me when I am asked 'If I've found anyone yet?!']

Want to know what I think?

This is a list of things I’d like to tell people.  However, I do not feel like telling them these things.  Each number is for a different individual.

1. I wish we were still friends, but I am done with being the only one to try.
2. I really think this is for the best.
3. I knew you were lying straight through your teeth when you decided to tell me you’d be different.
4. One day you’ll realize I’ve always loved you.
5. You are truly the only person I can talk to ANYTHING about.
6. Even though you are a jerk sometimes, you are my best friend.
7. I wish I could visit you more.
8. Sadly, I still think about you more than I should.  But knowing how long it took you to get over me, drew me back in.
9. I wish we would have been closer before you left for school; I still wish we were close.
10. I’m oddly fascinated with you… And I wish I knew your name.
11. If I wasn’t a human being, I would take your dog to the pound so it didn’t keep me up at all hours.

Adore. Cherish. Treasure. Fancy. Love.

So. I am still in fact in a very lovey mood.  I read another love story and my heart melted. Ha. SO! I have decided to find songs and quotes and other little interesting tidbits to write about (technically, include in my writing).

To start, some quotes about love I fancy.

“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” – Heather Cortez

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.” – Anonymous (couldn’t find anyone)

“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.” – George Jean Nathan

And two I liked that are not really Lovey-dovey, rather my kind of love. (insight into my ideas on love hah)

“We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.” – anonymous

“I love you. Good-by – because I love you.” – The Awakening by Kate Chopin.  You have to read the story to understand, otherwise it would be far to hard, and to me, nearly impossible to explain the true love that exudes from this quote.

Next, I shall include some songs about love, that I love♥.

Recently found songs.

1. Hold on by 33 miles. Yes this song is about God; but what a better love than a person’s connection with their religious leader? It is a beautiful song and about a bond between two beings. It could be a love song.

 

2. Eclipse (All Yours) by Metric. Yes it was made for the movie Eclipse, but it is a wonderful love song. In the title it explains it all.

 

3. My Love by Sia. I will admit it takes some getting used to in order to like it; it’s not a music style that is widely popular, but it is good.

4. Beautiful Love by The Afters. The lyrics are simply full of love. Again, it is in fact all in the name.

5. Love Like Crazy by Lee Brice. This song gives me butterflies! “Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I love you.”

Songs I’ve had around for awhile.

1. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. This song specifically (to me) relates to a boy that I was crazy head over heels for at one point in time. Easy come, easy go is my phillosophy with guys. However it has a good meaning: “If I lay here.. would you lie with me and forget the world?”

2. You and Me by Lifehouse. Yes Lifehouse is a religious band, however I do not necessarily think this song is specifically about God.

3. Far Away by Nickelback. “You know I love you, I’ve loved you all along.”

4. Always by Saliva. The acoustic version… BUT! I could not find a good acoustic version on YouTube like the version on my iPod. Ha. So! The regular version. Now this song is a little more “demented” (shall we say). But to me, it is in fact a damn good love song.

Country love songs that have my heart.

1. Meet in the Middle by Diamond Rio. A love song about how meeting in the middle is where love is at.

2. Somebody like you by Keith Urban. This is a sing with the windows down and loving life kinda song.

3. My Wish by Rascal Flatts. This song is a super favorite of mine; so much so that it is in fact my ring tone. This song can be heard at graduation ceremonies, slow songs at school dances and anything from father-daughter dances to ‘Mr & Mrs’ first dances.

4. Suds in the Bucket by Sara Evans. A cute love song about a young girl following her heart.

5. Amazed by Lonestar. Just a good country love song! Another big ‘Mr & Mrs’ dance no doubt.

Basically I have fallen in love with the idea of Love. And yes the idea of love because the few memories of feeling related to Love nearly crippled me. Therefore, I’m in love with the idea of love. My own little Love fairytale.

Die Liebe. Amour. Szeretet. Love.

After reading the Twilight saga (which I just barely did the first week of July) I have partially grouped myself with those girls (and women) who; ‘Edward Cullen has ruined men fo them.’  Now I’m not walking around writing quotes on my arms nor am I sporting Twilight wardrobe essentials (you know, those girls with Cullen crest necklaces, the shirts that say teams and the like).  However, I do feel much more in touch with my girly, matrimonial side; you know the perfect man, flawless wedding, happily ever after and those sort of things.  All of which are not normal thoughts that constantly flood my day dreams, as they do now.

[Now don't judge me for what I'm about to say ]

But why such the impact?  After reading a 3-part fanfiction, I started to feel my romantic side start to protrude though my rough, sarcastic exterior.  A simple story rundown; 2 characters (named Bella and Edward) who fall in love and just know they are meant to be together forever.  As with any truly good romance I read, I tend to let my romantic mind wander more than normal.  Granted with this story my “lovely” side is coming on a little stronger than normal.  Why?  Is it because I’m almost 20 and have never had my first love, or even my first kiss?  Is it because I’m far too bored this summer and have too much time to daydream?  Or is it because I’m secretly a closet hopeless romantic?  Personally I think it’s an uneven combination of both.  Yes I am not busy enough to say the least; resulting in too much free time.  Is the lack of romance in my life finally taking its toll? Of course it is.  I can’t help but think my “biological clock” is just ticking away.  And finally, the closet hopeless romantic theory: the main culprit.

I do believe in love at first sight.  I do believe everyone has at least one soul mate in this unbelievably gigantic world.  I do think there is a prince charming awaiting his perfect entrance into my life.  But it’s terribly and painfully hard to be a hopeless romantic when romance has never even attempted an entrance into my life; and no I am not exaggerating.  Of course, anytime I bring this up I am directly told “you’re still so young… you have your whole life ahead of you… Yadda Yadda Yadda.”  If I had it my way I’d live back at the beginning of the 20th century where men courted their one-and-only dream girl.  Where men were gentlemen and they behaved as so.

For as independent as I am (mainly because I’ve never had anyone to depend on in the knight-in-shining armor sense) my dream life would have me meeting my soul mate in high school (or sooner) and growing older with them.  Then as time passed us by he’d eventually propose and after a proper engagement we’d be wed as one in an utterly breath-taking ceremony.  Possibly some various shades of pink for the color scheme and a classic cut dress, something flattering of course.  Basically I want my life to be slightly like a Jane Austen novel, with a happy ending and a Mr. Darcy. 

“Some day my prince will come…” and hopefully he comes sooner rather than later.  Oh but to be Snow White, Aurora or Cinderella with their happily ever afters.

I am just beyond excited right now!

So, yes, I do have a post coming up about my Disneyland trip, I know it’s been weeks without a super fun update from that; but! I have some exciting news! There is a new cupcake shoppe going in at The Foothill’s Mall here in Tucson (http://sweetthingscupcakeshoppe.com/) and I have an interview tomorrow at noon! Gah!! =D Excitement does not even begin to explain how I feel right now.. Maybe ecstaticis a better word! Yeah it is! And I know that I am still working at my other job, which I do love, but if I can get the job at the cupcake shoppe (which looks like I’d absolutely LOVE working there even more) which has a better pay, and I can only imagine at least partially better hours, then it is a better place for me to be.  Not only that, a better pay with the same hours, at a place I’m sure I’d love (if given the opportunity), would be a better job overall!! I wold not dread going into work because I’m afraid I won’t meet a sounds goal or the money goal for the day….  I really think that if my interview goes well I really hope I can call myself a cupcake-tress (like mistress but with cupcake… Anyways!! …Excitement!!

Finding True Love

The sky was already pink with hues of orange and purple starting to flood thru the clouds and the air was starting to bite at my ankles.  I finally got the text “Here.” as I was already sitting in the blue eclipse next to my best friend; she had picked me up because she knew I really didn’t want to drive way out to Desert Vista fields for a soccer game.  We went and picked up another boy who is on our team.  Finally at the field, everyone there had to start; meaning I was finally able to be on the field at the same time as my best friend.  A friend whom I had not stepped on the field with in years, far too many years.  Within the first 5 minutes Chui, Amanda’s boyfriend (she’s my best friend), set up the perfect cross where I fought against the keeper on the ground to force that ball into the net.  I kick it towards the goal and him, but he deflects.  As I feel the mud fill my spandex and shinguard I also feel the hand of the keeper wrap around the middle of my chest in order to keep me from getting a goal off his butter-fingers.  But I pushed off his shoulder and the toe of my right foot barely tapped the ball the three feet into the net and I scored.  Such an amazing feeling I must say; actually scoring a point.  But alas, the keeper had his way: I was offsides.  I had caught the first offsides and made sure to watch my footing, but the second offsides I didn’t even see coming when I felt the fire of that goal go from warm summer day to hot scorching flames on the inside of me.   But let me tell you, the feeling of that ball going into the net and Chui running over after to ‘fist-bump’ was a feeling like no other I have felt in such a long time.

right then, that was the moment I fell back in love with soccer.  Now my true love lies in soccer; not a male.  However, I had lost my love for awhile; why you want to know?  I let a coach I once had (plus a few bitchy girls) make me feel like I was not worth being on the field.  Game after game and practice after practice my confidence would sink lower and lower; until finally, I lost the love for the sport.  I was not having fun and I dreaded to the point of feeling sick when I would finally hear my name to step out onto that field.  When a true athlete hears their name called, they are stoked and ready to show everyone there is no reason for them to be on the bench, but that was not me.  My mind would flood with various plays that I would mess up and then the other team would score; or I would be afraid I’d let a girl pass me and not be able to catch up because I felt I had lost my speed.  Not anymore.  I found my passion, the fire, the confidence I had lost; which affected more of my life than just the time I spent kicking a black and white ball.  I have the feeling of finding your dog since birth sitting at the park when you look for that one last time before the next set of storms set in.  Or the feeling of finally fitting into the gown of your dreams for your day of pure bliss, the gown you have worked night and day to hug your gorgeous womanly curves.  That is how I felt and more.  I loved what had defined me for so many years again.  I remembered what it was like to have fun; and to have fun with a best friend. 

Basically what I am saying is if you answer yes to this question, or even think about answering yes before you say no, then take my word on this: Do not let some other person dictate what you love.  Do not let yourself lose the confidence you cherished because you do not feel you deserve to step out onto a field, a stage, or anything.  Do not put your head down when you don’t even know who you are anymore, pick your head back up.  When you hear yourself screaming out, LISTEN.  It is obviously screaming loud enough for you to not be able to ignore it anymore, maybe that is a sign.  So what is the question?

Here it goes: Have you ever let any other person in the world impact your life in a way you did not want?

Please let the lesson that took me far too long to learn, assist you in where you want to go and with what you want to do.