Define Different.

Is being different bad?  What amount of difference is necessary to become abnormal?  Who decides who or what really is different?  Why does different take on a bad connotation when used to describe a person or place?  Why is different so different?  I originally started looking up the definition of the word ‘difference’ rather than different; but after realizing every description of difference included a link to ‘different,’ I decided that’s the more dominant word; therefore the word with more intrigue. 

I looked up the definition in Merriam-Webster and asked some people I knew what the word ‘different’ meant specifically to them.  This is what I got…

1. Unlike the excepted and expected standard of society
2. Partly or totally unlike another
3. Not what you expect or consider common
4. A synonym for special; individual and not conformed
5. Not the same
6. Not alike; not similar to anything; unique
7. Varies from what an individual would consider the norm
8. Not like everything else; unique

Do you think you could pinpoint which came from a dictionary and which my 19/20-year old friends said?  Before asking my friends what their definition was, I expected to write a story going into great depth of why everyone wants to make that difference in their world, but then why at the same time when you explain some girl in your class is different its negative…  However, by asking my friends this question my mind is suddenly exploring a different route:  How well do you think you know the people who are closest to you? 

Have you ever been asked, usually in good humor, to answer a question the way you think your friend would?  Usually you take the easy path and make some joke about your friend being narcissistic, or you may be the lucky one whose friend has a catch-phrase so you get away with answering with that; but in all reality, do you think you could do your friend justice with your answer for them?  Let’s say you are in a new town and for one reason or another you are standing in front of everyone and they ask you one question about each of your closest friends.  With this answer you are about to produce, you have to define who your friend is; basically divulge their personality with one answer and do them all the justice they deserve.  Now these questions are not something simple like describe their personalities, what they like to do, or the like; but let’s say one of the questions is ‘Answer as if you were Cindy. You can only have one of the following two things: trust or love. Go.’  In that one answer you have to define who your friend is, what they would prefer and hope to God you’re right.  Would you be able to do your friend justice?  Would you be able to answer a question which held more depth than that?  Could you confidently even answer the simplest of question of whether your friend would choose to wear flip-flops or tennis shoes?  Think about the person who you think you know the best.  Can you name their favorite color? Favorite restaurant?  Favorite type of music genre?  Whether they like to read or not? Sure you can, but can you answer whether they believe in God?  Is there a specific story which made them a believer?  Can you answer if they would give their life for a loved one?  Can you tell a complete stranger the specific qualities that make your friend exactly who they are and exactly why they are this way? 

I can tell you one of the girl’s I feel I know the most about, gave me the most unexpected answer to my question.  Now while her answer was #3 and a good definition of the word different; I just expected more.  Is that bad of me?  I don’t think so.  I expected her answer to be more like #4 or maybe even #1; but I did not expect the answer she gave me.  Was it because her answer had a slightly negative connotation in the way I read it?  Am I just plain putting too much weight on the definition of this one word?  Probably, but I’m still having trouble putting into words what I’m feeling right now.  I am definitely far from thinking less of her because of her answer; she will always be that one person I know will let me cry to her, or yell to her, which-ever the situation requires. I think why this was so shocking is because I feel I can (or could) answer any question you shoot at me about her and give you an answer I really think she would be proud of.  However this answer she gave me made me think I don’t know quite as much about her as I thought.  But at the same time do I now not know anything about her?  Or is it possible she gave me the answer she thought I was looking for?  I wouldn’t put it past her to do anything to make me happy.  But regardless of the answers to those questions (no matter how helpful those answer would be) I’ve learned yet another vital piece of information about my friend I had no prior knowledge of before this question.

Take a look at definition #1.  “Unlike the excepted and expected standard of society.”  Now would I have given this answer for this friend?  Not quite to the perfection she gave it herself, but I feel I would have been ballpark to the same idea/ideal she feels with the word ‘different.’  There is not a negative connotation, to me at least, in this definition she has given.  This definition did not fall short of my expectations; I knew she would have a definition I would be proud to call my own even.  This young woman is one of the most accepting people I know; as well as have ever met.  Is she like this because she has certain personal experiences that have made her this way?  Was it the parenting she received as a child?  Possibly both; or neither.  To me, she shapes who she is for the betterment of the world around her and with this journey she’s taken so far, she has shaped into quite the woman.  Sadly for some reason, she has a “scandalous” reputation (or so she thinks); a “ditsy” personality.  But my favorite thing to tell people about her is she loves to read comic books and watch comic-book-based movies.  I can literally see a part of them stand beside themselves in shock when they hear this.  Why?  Because they have these conceived notions; whether they have experiences to back these notions up or not, they have them.  But it’s almost like when they hear this trivial piece of information, all of their other ideals about her slowly dissolve…  It’s hard for me to see such an utterly radiant human being feel like she isn’t ‘smart’ or ‘good enough’ for somebody because of what she has heard others say about her.  But to her, I tell her who are they to answer your questions for you?  Who are they to do you justice?

Maybe that’s the whole point of this semi-rantish piece:  Does the importance lie in whether you think can answer for your friend, or whether they feel you can properly answer for them?

Want to know what I think?

This is a list of things I’d like to tell people.  However, I do not feel like telling them these things.  Each number is for a different individual.

1. I wish we were still friends, but I am done with being the only one to try.
2. I really think this is for the best.
3. I knew you were lying straight through your teeth when you decided to tell me you’d be different.
4. One day you’ll realize I’ve always loved you.
5. You are truly the only person I can talk to ANYTHING about.
6. Even though you are a jerk sometimes, you are my best friend.
7. I wish I could visit you more.
8. Sadly, I still think about you more than I should.  But knowing how long it took you to get over me, drew me back in.
9. I wish we would have been closer before you left for school; I still wish we were close.
10. I’m oddly fascinated with you… And I wish I knew your name.
11. If I wasn’t a human being, I would take your dog to the pound so it didn’t keep me up at all hours.

What exactly am I really missing out on?

I really like the sound of a traditional non-laptop keyboard.  I suppose it’s the same reason why people type on typewriters; because the sound makes you feel attached to what you are typing.  I didn’t realize how much I missed the sound of the keys being pressed down until I started using my mom’s older computer rather than my laptop.  But this isn’t necessarily why I am writing tonight.. Well almost this early morning.

I feel like I have really missed out on that “college experience” because I never got the chance to live in dorms or run around campus with a bunch of new random people to make friends with.  Now please do not misunderstand that I am not happy with the decision I made to go to community college (save money) and stay at home (which I really had to choice over); but as I see a new group of my friends go off and go to their new dorms for their exciting freshman, year I can’t help but think that I am missing out. 

I feel as if I am missing out on the chances to form new relationships and build new friendships by living at home.  I think the major reasoning for this is because my freshmen year at a community college I really only made two friends.  Everybody tends to be too wrapped up in their lives to want to make friends; whereas, if you’re living in a dorm you really have no other option to make friends.  Granted, I am not unhappy with my friends that I have now, I just wish it would be easier to meet some new people to liven up my daily routine.  With this, I have even talked to a few of my closest friends and they agree that besides them and I, we are really the only friend the other has; which is a sad occurence given we are young and should be building some lasting bonds with some terrific memories.  I am in no way ungrateful for who I have in my life, I am so blessed in that sense; however, who doesn’t want a new friend!? ….Well to me, everyone could benefit from a new friendship.  At community college it is just so lame because you try to be nice and try to make friends with someone and all they want to do is text and ignore you. LAME.  That, however, is in fact their prerogative I suppose, being that it is their life that they are living. Ha.  But whatever. 

So this semester I have decided to try to make even more connections than I did last year in order to bring some new relationships into my extremely small circle of friends.  I plan on talking to at least a few people in every class rather than wait for people to start talking to me.  I probably should (during the first week or so) find people who are more outgoing and sit next to them to see if it works, but that does not mean I will not try to talk to the “shy” people.  I know for a fact (my best friend is like this) that some of the most amazing people are just shy around people they first meet and it would be terrible for me to: A. judge them because they don’t speak up a tremendous amount and B. to miss out on what a magnificent person they probably are.  So the point of this post is basically I really want some new friends and some new exciting memories to file away into the scrapbook of my mind.

Oh goodness. I think if people saw my thoughts they’d be a lot more worried than they currently are.

Why is that quote important? Because it was uttered/typed by a very close/best/dear friend of mine.  Why is she so amazing? Let me start from the beginning.

We first “met” at a soccer game in Jr. High school.  As my team was jostled around in our short bus; we chatted frivolously about how Amphi was the dirty team in the league and how we could easily beat them since we were undefeated.  You know how young kids think they can win all? We were no different.  As the game got on way it was easy to spot the two key players on the opposing team: a tall, big-boned girl with cornrows and a tall, quick blonde with a vicious game.  My good friend and I being on defense together, knew we could easily shut these two down.  As the blonde got a break-away down the path she was left by the big-boned girl busting through before her, it was up to my friend and I to stop her.  As she dodgingly made it closer and closer we went at her; she juked right by us both. Luckily, and surprisingly, she missed the net with her power shot.  A few plays later I remember being sandwiched by the two key players; not fun.  To be honest I do not remember whether we won or lost, but I can definitely tell you the impression the blonde left on me was not forgotten. 

Come freshman year of high school in Honors English class, sitting next to the same good friend from my soccer team (of course), we noticed a new blonde sitting a few seats away.  Of course we instantly started to whisper she looked extremely familiar and much like that “evil” girl from Amphi. Amongst my friends we exchanged ‘you ask!’ ‘No! you ask!!’ So I asked.  As obvious as it already was shaping up to be, it was the same blonde girl from the soccer team we played; now at FW. I continued to ask her a series of questions as if she were being prosecuted and eventually throughout the year we became friends. 

Sophomore year is where our close friendship truly started; we were both on varsity soccer.  Now I feel it necessary to say she was on varsity all 4 years, she is THAT good (she’s a D1 player now).  ANYWAY.  Waiting for practices to start, games to start as well as being in a few of the same classes, we slowly realized we were extremely relatable…

SO to make a story that could be longer, that I have already pointlessly drug out, shorter; I’ll skip some.  Basically this girl is without-a-doubt one of the most unselfish, strong-willed, passionate, understanding, opinionated, focused, pretty, inspiring, sarcastic and loving person I have ever met and I am beyond words to describe how ridiculously blessed I am to have her as a friend.  I know damn well how hard I’ve had to fight to try to stay barely acquaintances with “best friends” from high school who go to college in another city or state.  But with this friend, this mind-blowingly amazing human being, every time we talk it’s like we still see each other everyday.  Like we are sitting on the foam covering the bottom of the lightposts at the soccer fields before practice.  We talk like it doesn’t matter we haven’t seen each other in almost a year.  We talk like the perfect definition of how “best friends” should talk.  It is beyond the best synonym for amazing you could find.

Basically I feel like she sometimes doesn’t think she is all of those words that I perfectly described her with.  Now I know her and I know she’d try to counter-point my description by not forgetting to add words like cynical, over-powering, loud or some other lame words; but only people who are on-kilter see her that way.  People who aren’t able to understand basic logic or actually see a person for who they are and not their outside appearance; basically an individual who doesn’t judge. 

Now why she thinks “if people saw my thoughts they’d be a lot more worried than they currently are.” I know, for a fact, that if anyone who truly cared for her, would not be worried because they know who she is and they know what truly matters to her. 

Now tooting her horn for her and my horn for being her friend; basically my friend is ridiculously amazing and I wish you had the chance to meet her and be blessed enough to share her friendship as well; because anybody who has one friend like her, their whole life, will know they have one person who genuinely loves them and will be there for them no matter what and be understanding no matter what.  Everyone needs a friend like her.

What is this thing you call ‘Boyfriend?’

A boyfriend. Hmph.

Every single one of my friends (but one) has told me boyfriends are extremely over-rated.  And I repeatedly tell them that I will never know until I have one; but I feel I am close to giving up on trying to get one.  I told my good friend Skye that if 2010 does not end up being “my year,” I will push boys and relationships out of my head for good.  So I am going to trying something radical… Well radical to me.  What is it you may ask?  I am sorry but I cannot say.  I know; not fair to excite you and then leave you dangling like a stuck parachutist in a tree.

But, for now, this is how this post must end.

Finding True Love

The sky was already pink with hues of orange and purple starting to flood thru the clouds and the air was starting to bite at my ankles.  I finally got the text “Here.” as I was already sitting in the blue eclipse next to my best friend; she had picked me up because she knew I really didn’t want to drive way out to Desert Vista fields for a soccer game.  We went and picked up another boy who is on our team.  Finally at the field, everyone there had to start; meaning I was finally able to be on the field at the same time as my best friend.  A friend whom I had not stepped on the field with in years, far too many years.  Within the first 5 minutes Chui, Amanda’s boyfriend (she’s my best friend), set up the perfect cross where I fought against the keeper on the ground to force that ball into the net.  I kick it towards the goal and him, but he deflects.  As I feel the mud fill my spandex and shinguard I also feel the hand of the keeper wrap around the middle of my chest in order to keep me from getting a goal off his butter-fingers.  But I pushed off his shoulder and the toe of my right foot barely tapped the ball the three feet into the net and I scored.  Such an amazing feeling I must say; actually scoring a point.  But alas, the keeper had his way: I was offsides.  I had caught the first offsides and made sure to watch my footing, but the second offsides I didn’t even see coming when I felt the fire of that goal go from warm summer day to hot scorching flames on the inside of me.   But let me tell you, the feeling of that ball going into the net and Chui running over after to ‘fist-bump’ was a feeling like no other I have felt in such a long time.

right then, that was the moment I fell back in love with soccer.  Now my true love lies in soccer; not a male.  However, I had lost my love for awhile; why you want to know?  I let a coach I once had (plus a few bitchy girls) make me feel like I was not worth being on the field.  Game after game and practice after practice my confidence would sink lower and lower; until finally, I lost the love for the sport.  I was not having fun and I dreaded to the point of feeling sick when I would finally hear my name to step out onto that field.  When a true athlete hears their name called, they are stoked and ready to show everyone there is no reason for them to be on the bench, but that was not me.  My mind would flood with various plays that I would mess up and then the other team would score; or I would be afraid I’d let a girl pass me and not be able to catch up because I felt I had lost my speed.  Not anymore.  I found my passion, the fire, the confidence I had lost; which affected more of my life than just the time I spent kicking a black and white ball.  I have the feeling of finding your dog since birth sitting at the park when you look for that one last time before the next set of storms set in.  Or the feeling of finally fitting into the gown of your dreams for your day of pure bliss, the gown you have worked night and day to hug your gorgeous womanly curves.  That is how I felt and more.  I loved what had defined me for so many years again.  I remembered what it was like to have fun; and to have fun with a best friend. 

Basically what I am saying is if you answer yes to this question, or even think about answering yes before you say no, then take my word on this: Do not let some other person dictate what you love.  Do not let yourself lose the confidence you cherished because you do not feel you deserve to step out onto a field, a stage, or anything.  Do not put your head down when you don’t even know who you are anymore, pick your head back up.  When you hear yourself screaming out, LISTEN.  It is obviously screaming loud enough for you to not be able to ignore it anymore, maybe that is a sign.  So what is the question?

Here it goes: Have you ever let any other person in the world impact your life in a way you did not want?

Please let the lesson that took me far too long to learn, assist you in where you want to go and with what you want to do.