You be the judge; I already have.

Society brainwashes us from the time that we are born; girls in pink boys in blue.

Girls do not play rugged sports, boys do; girls clean, have kids, while men work. 

This is ridiculous. 

Look at how “mommies and daddies” teach their sons when they are little that girls go first; however, girls are never told that, so they grow up thinking that that is how everything should be. 

This all creates a surplus amount of problems. 

Like then the girls wait for the perfect gentlemen, and we all know he doesn’t genuinely exist, because no one is “perfect.” 

That makes girls who grow up wanting to open the door for someone else to be nice, question themselves and how they are seen; just adding on to the rest of the pressure they will feel through their adolescent years. 

And in all honesty the same goes for a man, if he wants to stay single, let him. 

Take for example the books children are read when little or the shows they watch. 

Every damn Disney fairytale story deals with the girl being so fragile and weak and the male must swoop in and save her; all but maybe Mulan, and the occasional random one.

So then, from the get go, girls are being pushed into one way of thinking; then it is harder for the girl to push through and be independent without every single fucking person in the world questioning why she won’t date, or why she doesn’t want a man. “Doesn’t she want to be happy when she gets older?” “Doesn’t she want children, a family?” Blah blah blah. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. 

Not only does this do that to the females but think of the boys; the ones who don’t want to be all macho and save the day, maybe they want to write or sing or act.

Maybe they want to be saved. 

But nay, men can’t do any of those things.

Heaven forbid them want to act on stage, wear makeup or sing to the wizard of oz; then at that same point at the age they hit when society is most critical, they are labeled gay or much worse. 

And it doesn’t end there. Oh no! It couldn’t end there!

So then the media knows it can play on the whims of these young adolescent minds (15-30).

With these movies and books and various stories about love and heroism that is put up

even when the person is finally okay with who they are something has to happen to knock them on their societal ass.

Like they go see a movie and think ‘Why the hell can’t I fall in love?’

Or why the hell is it because he has aids and is male and sings he’s automatically gay.

Why is it that because a black male is with a white girl it’s because of her daddy’s money, or vice versa for that matter.

All because by the time you’re old enough to realize what you’ve been brainwashed into, it’s far too late to undo the hardwiring that has already been done.

It’s just like you can’t teach an old dog a new trick; you can try and try and try, and yes the dog may learn the trick and go through the motions and seem like he’s got it down, but in that moment of vulnerability he will always revert to what he was taught first.

His instincts. 

 Take example of that to people who go feral. 

They revert to basically an animal; they know nothing of society or the bounds it has on any issue in the mind. 

They only know what they have taught them self, or what the land has taught them, or even if they have been following God or another religious figure; and still then it’s a touchy question.

People always revert to their natural born instinct; if you’re always taught blue is red and red is blue, then you hit kindergarten; are you going to believe your parents or the teacher, this person you just met?

You’ll go with your first instinct, what was first taught to you.

Hence fairytales fuck up kid’s lives; and everyone else’s.

The end.

I still love you.

Have you ever realized you spend WAY too many of your thoughts on a person who doesn’t even realize you still are on this Earth?  I’m sure you just shook your head yes and in the off-chance you didn’t, then screw you.  Not literally of course, but figuratively.  Anyway. Recently I have realized I very much spend way too much time dwelling on my perfect little Disney love-story, with my perfect Mr. Prince Charming.  However, I have lived long enough (contrary to some’s beliefs) to know that’s not how it works.  I know I won’t have the perfect life and all that ride off into the sunset while a rainbow unveils itself over-head happily-ever-after bull; but I do want at least a happy and fulfilled life and an ending scene where I am walking hand-in-hand with my prince, who possibly plays soccer, or has a lovely southern draw; but either way I will walk hand-in-hand with him and I will feel just peachy because I know he loves me and I love him.

But what is wrong with my dream? Love.  I’ve never been in love and honestly, I really only think I’ve known, maybe, 2 people in my age bracket who have actually loved their partner.  So how am I suppose to find this true love?  Or just romantic love in general?  Will I learn it from a book?  Can I learn it from a book is the better question I think…  I mean I’ve read quite my share of romance novels to know that butterfly-gooey- feeling is love; but the one person I feel I actually felt that for, literally took my heart from my chest, slowly hacked at it with a stick he found on the ground until it was in parts and then decided to let his dogs chew at it before he decided to let me have half of it back.  So I guess my real problem is how I look at love. 

Let me be 100% straight with you: I’m not exactly sure I believe in “love.”  *Gasp!* A young woman who doesn’t believe in love?! Yeah well pick up your jaw.  I’m going to be 20 in 66 days and I have never even come close to being kissed.  Never have even come close to the situation where a guy would want to kiss me!  And I don’t necessarily think I’m Victoria’s Secret material, but damn, I’m not bag-over-the-head either.  I’ve had countless guy friends tell me I’d be the perfect girlfriend; I’m chill, play video games, sarcastic, fun, I listen, not a bad behind, but oh no! Heaven forbid me be the girl for any of them.  Now granted, there were only 3 out of all those guys who actually led me on a wild love hunt, but the rest felt I was the sexy sister.  What the hell is a sexy sister?  Isn’t that considered incest?  Gross.  But anyway….

Those 3 previously mentioned guys are as follows.  (names changed for obvious reasons)  Greg.  Tony.  Mike.  So Greg I had known for a looooong time and we were close but he didn’t live where I did and this led to that and he claimed he couldn’t let me like him because it wasn’t good for me, blah blah blah.  But turns out, as a couple of months back, he walks a line that isn’t quite as straight as it was back then… So! Then comes Tony.  I had known Tony for basically all my life and we were best friends during jr high, but then came sophomore year of high school.  So we had been talking as more than friends and I knew he was shy (and even though it went against my old-school nature) I ask him out.  Yeah well big surprise, he says no.  That one hurt.  That one hurt real good.  But his story has more to come later… After Tony came Mike.  Mike I had only known for a couple years and he hurt me bad too; however, over time I have realized he’s changed so much I don’t even know where I was coming from just 3 short years ago.

So Tony.  Gah tony.  If you have yet to figure this out, Tony holds 80% of that first statement up there back at the beginning.  [The other 20% is dedicated to someone who really doesn't deserve it because I (stupidly might I add) got sucked back into him when I realized how long it took him to get over me. All the while he had led me to believe he was over me way before I even tried to get over him]  But anyway; Tony.  So yeah.  I just can’t seem to fully disconnect from him.  Maybe it’s because he has told me, in the past, that he really really regrets not saying yes to me all that time ago.  Yeah well no shit.  I regret you saying no too.  So I, in an attempt to stay true to myself, (entirely different story, too long to add here) I told him that I wasn’t going to give him a hard time about him not maning up anymore.  I wasn’t going to give him a hard time (even though I am very sarcastic in nature) anymore because I didn’t want to do that to him.  Well that is where I messed up.  By trying to prove to myself I didn’t still care for him as more than a friend, I entirely overlooked the fact I was doing it to make it easier on him.  WTF right?  Right.  Yeah well super long story shortened, I have now let him move on by telling him I only think of him as a friend and I think I’ve made the biggest regret thus far in my 20 years.  Ironic huh?  Hah.  So here I am now just daydreaming about the endless possibilities of our “perfect” relationship while he’s off dating this cute girl who I think is perfect for him.  BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.  And the really messed up part is I don’t even think we’d work out in the end.  Like if he wanted to be with me and I said yeah I’ll be with you, I don’t know if we’d make it a long time… I mean in all honesty, I think I just tell myself that to make it easier, but still; I just can’t get what I think we would be out of my head; and that’s half the problem.  Other than the subtle hints he may kinda still have non-friend feelings for me, I am afraid I have put relationships (especially this one) too high on the amazingness meter.  So I’ve kinda worked myself into a suck situation. 

Whatever.  And now, thanks to my 20 years of 100% squeaky clean celibacy (not entirely chosen) I am asking myself all those stupid questions.  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I too bitchy?  Is my sarcasm too much?  Am I not the perfect size?  Is my smile to ugly?  Do I really repulse every guy on planet Earth so damn much that I haven’t even appealed to one my entire life to even want to try and kiss me?!  That last one is the one that dwells in my mind every single time I see a couple together.  Every.  Single.  Time.  It’s quite the downer.  And I’m already a realist, so this makes everything way harder.  And the worst part isn’t even that entirely! It’s all the utterly ridiculousness that my friends (or others) let utter out of their mouths:

• I wish I could go back to never been kissed days.
• Guys just don’t have te courage to talk to a girl who is so independent.
• It’s fun being single. I wish I was.
• And my favorite: It’ll happen for you, just give it time.

Honestly. Screw time.  [I wanted to use a four-letter F word but chose not to btw] I hate that I have never been kissed.  I hate that I have become so afraid of intimacy it is now another wall I’ve put up to keep people out.  I hate the people who tell me single life is better, because if it’s just so damn dandy then they wouldn’t be in a relationship.  I hate that stupid shit that girls will spew to their friends on why a guy doesn’t want to be with them.  It is, in fact, this easy: If he says he doesn’t like you, he doesn’t.  If he doesn’t call (or text) it’s because he doesn’t want to.  It’s not that hard.  But oh no! ‘You’ve never been in a relationship so you wouldn’t know what he’s thinking when he doesn’t call!!’ Yeah well you’ve only had seriously screwed up relationships and I’m pretty damn positive you’re not him so you really have no idea.  I believe that whole little speal in that move, He’s just not that into you.  Like honestly, if a guy does not want to talk to me, suuckks (lol) it’s not the end of the damn world like it seems to be to other people.  If I  can feel that way, so can guys.  I feel that might be some of the problem.  You know, the “alpha male” trys to seduce his female and then the female just walks up and says she likes him; not exactly how the book was written.  But regardless, I’m not going to change even if that is the problem. 

So to sum up my crazy-long random rant, (I really have no doubt in this next statement): I really think I am meant to be single forever.  And you know, as much as it is my worse fear, I am slowly getting use to the idea.  Now tell me who’s the mental patient, eh? Hah.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m too obnoxious, or that guys really think I’m too forward, or that I won’t play any stupid games, but I am starting to not even care.  Yeah I would like to know how it is to be loved, but I guess I’ll have to love my independence and get use to it since that’s what I’m expecting my future to hold. 

[I know that ending was unfinished and rather bleak, but I wanted you to understand the sense that washes over me when I am asked 'If I've found anyone yet?!']

Here you leave today and enter the world of Yesterday, Tomorrow and Fantasy

You can read that little thought on a plaque as you enter Disneyland. Who do you care? You might not! BUT I am going to Disneyland in about 2 and 1/2 weeks and am SUPER excited!  So in all of my excitement the last day or so I have been researching Disneyland travel tips, money saving tricks and various other helpful information sites. However, some of the mos tinteresting sites I encountered about Disneyland were the urban legends, weird facts, interesting facts and “hauntings”.  So I have decided to share some of my favorites with you (with respective credit given).

1. “At the end of the Star Tours ride, just as your Starspeeder is about to crash into a fuel truck, a man in the control booth ducks down, then stands up and picks up the phone. The man is George Lucas.”
2. “There is hidden magic in the Mad Hatter Shop. Take a look into the oval mirror inside the Mad Hatter…” if you stand there and watch the Cheshire Cat will appear next to you, but when you look around you, he is obviously not there. ( I know not the amazingest piece of information ever but I am definitely going to go pay this mirror a visit when I go.)
3. There is also a site called Yesterland which has rides, shops and other previous attractions at the various Disney parks; the majority is at Disneyland.  But it’s crazy to see how Walt thought the future was going to be and it’s also especially fun to see how the style used to be.

Other than that I decided the easiest ways to learn new and interesting facts about Disneyland was to just google them, but that is pretty obvious, I know.  But yes, so I am beyond excited and just simply can not wait…

I have also decided that while on my California Vacation, which includes: Disneyland & California Adventure, Universal Studios, Sea World and The San Diego Zoo!! So whilst on this fun trip I will try and keep a fun photo journal, as well as keep posted my journey.  Granted my hotel will not have wi-fi (for free.. hey! college kids are cheap!) I will write and then post when I can!

Yay for the count down! Let it begin!!