I’m not saying goodbye; Don’t take it like I am.

 

Have you ever hugged someone goodbye and as you walk away, you realize that this is the last time you will ever see that person again?  Well this occurrence is happening more often than I would like it to in the last few years.  I’m not sure if I am more connected with the people who I have to say these goodbyes to, or whether I have never actually had to say goodbyes like these…

I am not talking about ‘Goodbye forever because we didn’t work out’ kinda goodbyes; I am talking about the goodbyes where you have a good friend moving away, or a certain class or convention (or whatever) is ending and everyone is going back to their homes and their lives.

I hadn’t realized how many people, whom I love dearly, I’ve had to give one last, big hug because I won’t be seeing them for years to come, or ever again even.  Maybe I am just realizing this because I haven’t stayed in contact as much as I had hoped; or the other person hasn’t reciprocated the contact I had wished they would. 

Take for example, today.  I finally was able to see a friend who I haven’t seen in over a year.  And this girl is no ordinary “friend”; she is one of my best friends.  I can talk to this girl, quite literally, about everything.  There are no off-limit topics between us.  We don’t have to tip-toe around subjects like religion or politics, even though we don’t always see eye-to-eye.  She accepts me regardless of what I believe and won’t tell me I’m wrong in what I think, or that I’ve been educated in the incorrect manner; nor would I ever think about telling her the like.  We can sit and talk for hours about current events, boy drama, school, conspiracy theories, soccer, and clouds; deep or shallow, we cover it. 

I read this quote somewhere recently that said something along the lines that, ‘A true friend, no matter the time or space that separated them, can start talking as if they were never parted at all.’  And let me tell you, this is what my friend and I share to the n^th degree.  Of course we spewed hopeful wishes that we could be together longer; but tampering with school charter buses isn’t exactly the smartest (or legalist) task to take on in less than 20 minutes.  Regardless of that fun banter about getting to ‘just hang out’ longer, it was as if we saw each other on a daily basis like we use to.  There was no awkward silence because we aren’t for sure if the other is still dating so-and-so, and we didn’t have slightly unpleasant feelings that I’ve sometimes felt when catching up with merely an old acquaintance; I mine as well have been living with her this whole time!

All I dream about is the day I can get out of this hell-hole I call Tucson; but after realizing how shitty it is to lose relationships with some of the people that I have, it makes my decision harder to want to leave.  I have no doubt my relationship with my family will stay relatively close, because I am already super-glued to them anyway.  However, I’m starting to feel the fear of losing certain friends if I decide to leave…  I know leaving is best for me; I’m just not sure if everyone else I care about will see it this way.  And I’ve already painfully learned, time and time again, that I can only hold on so hard before the other person just lets go.

Pictured above (save the last picture): Are girls I have either lost some form of communication with.  These are girls who I wouldn’t feel that awkwardness around, if given the chance to see them again.

Something must be done!

Now that school has ended I am slowly losing my fairly abundant vocabulary of signs.  I knew I would but I figured since I try and translate as much as I can when I talk that I’d retain more than I am. Sadly, that is not happening.  The worst part of it all is there is nowhere in Tucson where I can go and just ‘practice’ my signing ability. I don’t have any deaf friends and the last deaf individual I tried to be friends with questioned my intentions of becoming their friend.  Long story short: I talked to them online. Wanted to get together and hang out. Then he started communicating to me thru about 4 different forms of technology that I was only trying to befriend him to practice signing… Which I didn’t even know then! Nor did I know he was deaf! However, I understand he may have been in a situation like that and being I’ve never been deaf, I don’t know how some people may be. BUT anywayssss… I have no ability to talk with anyone who signs and it’s starting to annoy me.  I am growingly bored with signing to myself or my dogs.  Hmph. I will defeat this terrible sign-less summer and go to class next semester just as fresh as I left last.